Rhythm
by XX-Samantha-XX
Summary: So what went through Matt's mind during the ride in the ambulance in Leaders Lead the missing bit of the ep Matt's POV. Tag to Leaders Lead 1x22. Maybe spoilerish to people who haven't seen it. Warning for Angst Lots of.


_Okay so hi! Firstly i don't own a thing to do with Chicago Fire *sad face*This fandom is new to me but after Leaders Lead i just had to write something for this wonderful programme that i am now addicted to, got to love Casey and Severide haha and all the rest._

_Thank you to Callisto-HK for giving this a quick once over and to Andorian Ice Princess for encouraging me to take the leap to post this, you are both awesome people !_

_Lastly enjoy this and lemme know what you think!_

**Rhythm **

You know what happens here.

You've seen it before.

But you can't, for the life of you, stop.

You just can't.

Concentrating on the rhythm your hands are making.

You've watched Shay and Dawson enough times, been to the training sessions, and updates enough times to know what and how to do it.

You know the ratio.

30:2

Unless otherwise indicated or an airway has been completely established, and you know Dawson would have done that. You at least remember that, even if nothing else is remembered other than the horrible parts of which you wished to be a dream.

Then you can do continuous chest compressions.

It still works, getting around 100 beats per minute to keep the blood flowing, etc etc.

You can't stop though, if you do, she'll die in four minutes. Four minutes until the vital tissues of the body die.

But then looking at the monitor attached to her, she's already technically dead.

But you don't want to and can't believe it, so you continue for all your worth, you're strong, you can continue for as long as she needs. You won't get tired, not when it's her.

Your hands are pretty much on automatic now, doing what they've been trained.

You're so focused on saving her life, that everything around you almost fades away completely and your vision tunnels on the task at hand.

You're not really focusing on anything really apart from the steady rhythm of your hands against her body, trying with all the energy you have left to force her blood to keep flowing around to where it was needed with your own hands.

It was just wrong; you shouldn't be able to feel her like this, shouldn't be able to feel the ribs bend like they are under the weight of your compressions, they shouldn't be almost springing back like they were as if they weren't made of solid bone. Its irrational but it's all you can think.

Just how wrong and cruel this all is.

Your body is aching from the exertion and you can feel your eyes stinging because you want to cry, but you can't cry here, everything has to be fine, you're always fine.

But then this is Hallie, and these are your friends, Dawson and Shay, they won't say anything about it but you still hold off, just for a little why because to cry is to accept her fate and you can't do that.

Not yet, if ever.

You're concentrating so hard now that you can no longer see the monitor. Not that you want to anyway because it's just telling you lies. And you can't accept that. No way.

Because its telling you lies.

Its telling you that you are failing.

That your compressions aren't working and they are not enough to keep her here with you.

But, maybe you're not enough?

But that's just your mind decided to be cruel, isn't it?

That's lying too. It has to be, right?

Because you can't be failing to save her from a fire, from smoke inhalation. You just can't.

A good part of your life is with her, even through the break-ups and the disagreements.

Everything you had, you gave to her, even when you both wanted different things.

Since, and even before Voight, your whole life had been about protecting her and other people like her. Innocent people who did nothing wrong. Who didn't deserve something like this because this was unbearably cruel.

And you save them most of the time, get there on time and are able to save them.

But here now, when it matters, you can't seem to be able to save her because the monitor's line is still flat when you look up briefly.

Maybe, it's you? Maybe, you're not enough for her to hang on to.

Maybe you never were.

The aching has turned to pain now, which weren't just in the muscles that were working to save her life. Your own chest is heaving with the exertion, but that's just the physical.

The irrational part of your mind is screaming silently at Dawson to do more, to push more adrenalin or drugs or whatever to try and re-start her heart.

To even use to defibrillator to shock her heart awake.

But the rational part of your brain kicks in; knowing that everything that can be done, is or has been or being done because you're even helping to do some of it.

There's nothing more they can do now.

And you know that Dawson can't use the De-fib, because all those programmes people watch where the heart starts again after it being flat-lined or as the medical profession call it 'asystole', are just a fallacy and if you shock a non beating heart it won't do anything other than damage the muscle. That and the whole point of de-fib is like a reset button on a computer, it turns off the system for it to re-start its self. Then taking all that into account it just won't work and probably just cause pain.

Then someone is pulling on you, trying to get you to stop because you've arrived at the hospital now and they can take over.

But for a moment you can't.

Because the line on the monitor never changed for a second, not to indicate that her heart was beating it's self, sometimes it read the beats you were forcing upon the heart but nothing that was from her.

She was technically dead and you had failed to revive her.

But the rational part of your brain kicks in again, and tells you that you kept her blood flowing for long enough so that the doctors and nurses and other health professionals can take over now.

And because they have more things than an ambulance, then they have a better chance of saving her and you allow yourself to be pulled away from her by Dawson.

Because the doctors know how to save her.

Because you can't accept anything else right now.

You vision is still tunnelled, and adrenalin is still coursing through your veins; you know you're moving along the corridor but only because the scenery has changed.

They lead you to the waiting area to sit you down to shake off the immediate effects of the resuscitation attempt.

Dawson and Shay sit at either side of you in silent support because they know anything they say right now won't help. It's just enough that they are there and will probably be followed by the rest of the team soon enough.

**The End **

_I do have another story planned of the Hallie and Casey variety but obviously set when she gets back but before this that will be AU in nature so watch this space!_


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